Per Presidential executive order, NASA will stay home from now on

(AP) - The president, following a 158th viewing of the 2013 film "Gravity," was briefly distracted from his usual routine of contemplating (and commenting on to staff) the firmness of Sandra Bullock's derriere by the scene which depicts the onset of a destructive ablation cascade. While it's unclear what drew the president's attention on this particular viewing, it became quickly apparent to the NASA officials and space tech billionaires who were summoned to an emergency meeting that he has now realized the genuine threat which Kessler Syndrome https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kessler_syndrome

poses to America's future in space. Consulting with a team of experts which included his hairdresser, a former golf caddy, and a YouTube professor known for his research into rains of toads, the president concluded that the country's best option is, in the president's words, "just don't go too far up there." To that end, he has directed NASA and conmercial space companies to shift their focus to suborbital passenger flights which will be as he put it, "so amazing, you will go so fast you can leave New York and be in Tokyo in thirty minutes, and it will fix our air travel problems with the greatest rocket network in history!" NASA is also directed to begin developing suborbital satellites, a concept which has caused some confusion and criticism from space flight engineers and scientists. Press Secretary Katherine Leavitt, questioned about how such satellites could work, dismissed the critical comments as "symptomatic of the decline of imagination among overpaid eggheads who fail to appreciate the president's visionary approach."

A Democratic Senator, Bob Goddard IV from Massachusetts, suggested that the president's notion of "just don't go too far up there," might better serve as sound advice regarding a part of the president's anatomy. The Senator is currently en route to Guantanamo Bay for what the White House described as "protective sequestration" and a "brief time-out where he can think about being respectful."