fudgetusk

0+0=0 I call this logic. This is what scientists are trying to prove to us is logic. 0+0=infinity. Good luck on that one.

Surely if God designed us then that's a mistake! Pukeing is surely counteractive to filling your belly.

Cast your spotlight minds upon my shadows, will you, scholars? I'm a half filled in crossword, waiting for your inky suggestions. Let's begin... My first memory is of the bogeyman; I think you'll see this as relevant to this hagiography. I was, perhaps, three. I could walk and speak anyway. My older sister took me outside and we saw kids smashing the windows of a derelict house. I asked one of these lads "who lives there?" "The bogeyman," he decided. Cut to when I was six or seven. Let's just say I had some very sinister thoughts around then. Not the natural product of a child at all. My sister told my mother that I had bitten a girl at school, in the playground. I had no memory of this al fresco meal, yet I told my dear mother "I enjoy biting people. It relaxes me." Came out of nowhere. Wasn't me speaking. There were a few more instances of this. On one occasion, when I was still fresh from the teat, I undressed in front of my uncle. "He'll enjoy this," was what passed through my mind. I had no awareness of sexual desire, hetero or otherwise. But nothing much happened in this vein until I was in my teens. I got into horror in a big way. I blame Dr Who, which enthralled me and terrified me as a child(oh! the first intimations of dichotomy). Through the relatively naïve character of Dracula I got into the likes of Freddy Krueger. Then from that supernatural serial killer I side stepped into real serial killers. Then the two fused. And I began to feel that I was not alone in my mind. I don't hear voices -although there was one singular occasion when I was around nine. I felt a presence. I became obsessed with a face-big cruel smile of shark teeth-white skin-darkness around the eyes. I drew it over and over. I don't know if I was illustrating my inner other or designing my real self. Both? I KNEW that if I were to kill myself that I would become this character. I called this person The Shade(Oh! Jungians are racing to their keyboards). At some point I had developed a hatred of mankind; did I not mention that, scholars? Becoming The Shade would allow me to manifest my abhorrence for people. I wonder if this suicidal aspect can be considered an act of sublimation? I didn't kill myself, but I tried a couple of time. The first time I hid by a railway and waited for a train, intending to use it as a guillotine of sorts. Before this wheeled tool could Robespierre this expectant ghost a head appeared in mid air! I thought it was a policeman and I ran. Later I committed a crime: I glued razor blades to pieces of card, put them in envelopes and sent them to random people. The intention was that they would use their finger as a makeshift letter opener and...ouch. Some of the people I sent them to were women I knew from school. Chance had furnished me with their addresses. Nobody was hurt by the way. I was caught and went to live in my uncle's residential home. I took an overdose of some pharmacy painkillers when I was due in court for sentencing. They made me feel sick but when I found out I was to be spared jail time my nausea vanished. One day I imagined I was an animal and that I was killing my racist, bullying uncle's ducks-which he kept in the back garden. A week later they were killed...by an animal. My uncle also had a budgie. A day after the ducks I visualised its life force leaving its tiny yellow body. It was dead the next day. It's hard to maintain a balanced sense of reality when the universe will not play along, scholars. A few years later I became curious about the dead avians...and moved onto people. With some success. Lots of success, in fact. Every spell worked. As you can see I was lost in a dream of delusion and magical murder. I've lost count, but to be conservative...hundreds of souls taken. Thousands if I were to believe the Mr Hyde within me, who was becoming more and more vocal as the deaths were chalked up. As Frank Cotton from the horror film HELLRAISER says "Every drop of blood you spill puts flesh on my bones." Let's cut to now, shall we? Now Hyde has fully unveiled himself. He is 'the devil' and I his 'antichrist'. Too many horror films, lads! The tropes! Now he is not just a series of random, sinister mental intrusions. Now he is as eloquent as any average psychopath. Psychopath is an apposite appellation: he has all the traits; he lies, he has no remorse...you know the score. And he doesn't just allow me access to his thoughts for he can use my voice box to speak through. You should hear his pirate laughter. He can move my body too. In moments of excitement, when listening to emotive music and perusing the murder journal in which I record all of his 'artworks', he often takes me over and performs a kind of dance. He annexes this internally by projecting images of evil faces upon mine/his. He does this with the aim of shocking and threatening God. He has such fun! On two occasions he took over my body completely, when I had been drinking. Apparently he was verbal to some homeless people while I was absent. I woke up in the park once. But I wasn't on my back. I came to, my eyes already open, walking through the park. It was as if I became reconnected to my body again. I don't drink anymore. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety of late. He frightens me. He says he loves me yet then will threaten me. A few years ago we fell out. I attacked him for his magical crimes. He tried to kill me a few times because of this. I would be stood by the curb, waiting to cross, when he would cloud my mind. Then he would shout "Now!" and I would step off the curb...and a car would miss me by inches. But we made up. We had to, because it was necessary to his 'plan'. Where did this man come from? I'm no angel but he seems to be totally beyond morality and logic. I haven't been sexually abused or neglected, although my parents never touched one another. My brother and sister have normal lives. So how did my simple life spawn this monster? I don't believe in all this Jungian Shadow Self garbage. The man was unstable. I've read some of his works. I've dealt with my own dark side. I'm happy with my normal inner darkness. But this guy is pure evil. I've integrated my so called shadow so why is HE still around? He should have been subsumed long ago. He's not me, scholars. He's not me at all. And he says as much. I've read of people who had their corpus callosums severed to alleviate epilepsy. They became two people. One guy was strangling his wife with one hand, while trying to save her with the other! Is my corpus callosum impaired? And why would that make me evil? But there's more than two of us. He is either with others or he suffers severe personality swings. They talk to each other sometimes. One of them just rants. He will think or say things like "I have to kill SOMEONE!" randomly throughout the day. I ask him why he has to do this but he just says "I don't know. Something to do." (I feel none of his rage against people I have to stipulate. So don't report me to the police or the social services.) Sometimes he's an idiot, sometimes he's a genius. His philosophy is that we shouldn't exist. It is illogical. But maybe that's my view of life. Hard to tell who I am or what thoughts are mine with him in the mix. Pills don't work by the way. Stopped taking them anyway. As for talk therapy? When's that going to happen? They know it doesn't work so they sell you the drugs. Something that could sway your diagnosis. Twenty years ago my mother told me something. When she was pregnant with me she was in bed and saw shadows stood around her, watching her. This wasn't a shock because I'd seen them too, ten years before, while in a light trance. There were three of them. Could she have told me about this event when I was very young and it stayed with me? Shaping my psyche? But why would you tell a child such a frightening thing? I would have to of been very young not to have remembered it. Is all this new to you? I've discovered terms like Multiplicity and DID. There was an event in my childhood that could have triggered disassociation. When I was around ten I swallowed a boiled sweet whole. It didn't choke me but it just kind of stuck in my throat. I tried to swallow it but it just wouldn't go down. For maybe ten minutes I was like that. I tried to forget it was there. Then I vomited it up. When I feel anxiety I feel it in my mouth. In the last ten years it has really afflicted me. I feel terror when drinking fluids so now have to use a straw and only just after waking up, when I feel relaxed. He knows I have this fear of swallowing and uses it against me. When I go to have a drink he will suggest things. I won't go into what he says because I know it is a memetic idea. So will there be a new psychosis in the text books with my name? I have a distinctive and rare surname so I'm happy to become another mental burden to mankind. I'm happy to sit for photographs. Interviews. Autographs. We could sell T-shirts. Maybe make a film of my life. I have red hair but I don't want that kid off Harry Potter playing me. I might enjoy the attention...maybe Michael Haneke to direct. I enjoyed his film FUNNY GAMES. Very spot on. I could write the screenplay... "It's something to do." Ps. I would like to thank Mr Hyde for assisting with this missive. Although Hyde is not his real name. "We do not have spoken names. Our identities are really expressed with how you make someone FEEL." That's too long for the title of a film...but it might fit on a T-shirt.

Thank you, scholar. Some new words to discover there. Something to do with limestone eh? Hey this will tickle you...check out this mark on the stone. What does it look like? It foxed me for years. Then I read a book of symbols yesterday. It's a rare alchemical symbol for Calx. Which as you know means 'Limestone.' Ain't that funny?

I know some of it (a) is quartz but what is it combined with? Seems rough. In pic B the stone is mostly white and very hard but I don't think it is quartz. Could be wrong. Look forward to your input. I found it near an old limestone quarry btw. Near a river.