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Tampitump

Scientific reasons for me not having a girlfriend?

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One of my friends committed suicide last night. He was 25 years old. We had not been close in several years. but it was still a bad deal. It made me think of all the suicidal thoughts I often have. He had it so much better than me. He was one of those "alpha males". He was tough, good looking, and everyone liked him. I'm not sure what made him do it. It really makes me wonder about him. He was always such a bright and cheerful person. There was no indication that he would do that to himself. At least not to me. I would've given up my entire body and brain just have his looks and appeal. He had attractive girls chasing him left and right. I'm not sure what his life was like recently. It really makes me wonder.

 

I'm not sure what has kept me from doing it. I'm a recluse and no one likes me. He had a much better life than me.When you look at my life and circumstances, it is really strange to think why I haven't ended it yet. I literally have every bad thing that everyone fears of having, no job, no money, no education, no prospects, no friends, no life, etc. This shouldn't be taken as a suicidal statement. I'm not at risk or anything. Just kinda venting some hard feelings.

he told me that if I break up the friendship that he will kill himself

I wouldn't do that to someone. I really wouldn't Edited by Tampitump

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The big secret in life is that all of those people who seem like they have a much better idea of what they are doing, are much more experienced and generally happier in their lives simply aren't.

 

Everyone is stumbling around in the dark. Some people are a little more fluid about it because of practice, but every interaction with a new person is just taking a wild stab at things and hoping for the best. That's why things like complicated etiquettes and societal manners develop: it gives people a rule book for social interaction because left to their own devices, nobody really has any idea what they're doing and it can be rather terrifying.

 

The only trick is learning to tamp down that fear of taking the plunge and getting yourself to just dive headfirst off the cliff again and again and hope the other person is willing to catch you, and to try your best to catch others when they initiate contact with you.

 

I guarantee you are not the only inexperienced person your age in the entire world. You're not even as rare as you seem to think you are in that respect, I think. It's true that there are some people who are turned off by inexperience, but there are also people who find that attractive.

 

And, ultimately, that is also something that you can actually do something about, even if it doesn't seem like it. (And as a somewhat late bloomer relationship-wise, I can relate to how difficult taking the first steps are and how deep the insecurities can run that tell you you'll never find anyone and that you're falling behind your peer group in experience and that it's all a self-reinforcing cycle of doubt that will keep you alone forever).

 

The main thing you need to do is force yourself to interact with people. You've already given evidence in this thread that you can interact with people and be pleasant and make a connection. The important thing is not to get fixated on that as the only connection you can make, or on the idea that if that connection doesn't lead anywhere deeper that you have somehow failed. If you've done it once, you can do it again. And again.

 

For a good while, I was very socially isolated and that made everything much worse. When you feel like you have no real friends and barely even any pleasant social acquaintances it makes it very difficult to see yourself as someone anyone else would want to interact with on any deeper level beyond that.

 

Eventually, I got myself to stop worrying quite so much about that. I got some friends who shared some of my interests and started expanding my social circle, and concentrated more on things that interested me and just being friendly with people, and a lot of things just fell into place at that point that I had not really expected to.

 

I'm still not really an overly social person, but I've gotten to a point where most people I know have no idea that I've ever had any real social anxieties. They've never gone completely away. Meeting new people, especially in situations where I want or need something from them, still freaks me the hell out, but I've learned how to cover that up so nobody knows the difference.

 

That's a completely learnable skill. It just requires practice. It's putting yourself in situations where you're forced to practice that is hard, at least initially and it took me years to push myself in that regard, but it was the best thing I ever did for my mental well-being.

 

I think you need to build up with some low-stakes interactions. Just make friends with people without expecting it to lead anywhere. Building a larger social circle without actively persuing anyone for more is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

My parents were set up on a blind date by mutual friends. My current girlfriend and I were just friends for a year and started dating after she broke up with the guy she had been going out with at the time.

 

Focus on doing things you are interested in, being friendly with people and putting yourself out there with them as a potential friend and generally work on yourself. Offering yourself up as a friend is both lower stakes in general than a romantic partnership, so getting blown off doesn't sting quite as much because your hopes aren't as high, and rejection is also simply much less likely. Getting yourself an interest or two (I don't know if you're involved in anything) makes you more interesting and often provides more opportunities to meet people. And people who have stuff they enjoy going on in their lives just tend to be happier in themselves.

 

 

And as someone with experience in this area, I can see all the same signs that tell me that your biggest problem really is your self-esteem issues. If you can find ways to tackle those, and again, I know how much easier that is to say than to actually do, I think you'll have a much easier time of things in general.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, I had a lot of advantages growing up that I simply did not recognize. I was sure that other people were better than me, more confident than me, more attractive than me and new how to interact with people where I didn't. I can see now that the vast majority of what was holding me back was not any inherent unlikeability, or inexperience or unattractiveness, it was my inability to recognize the things that I had going for me instead of focusing on everything going against me. It felt like I had no advantages when I had many, I just wasn't using any of them because I refused to see that they were there.

 

Because I didn't really belief I was a worthwhile person. Once I stopped stressing about that so much and focused more on things I liked to do, improving those aspects of my behavior that were getting in the way of doing things I wanted to do for myself, and really just focusing on me, some of that weight started to lift and it became a lot easier to connect with others and build up the relationships needed for a social existence.

 

I didn't magically transform into a new person free from the doubts and fears that I've always had, I just learned to see myself in a new perspective that allowed me to take advantage of my strengths when interacting with other people, and get the practice necessary to find out what my strengths actually are. And you are just as capable of doing the same things.

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This isn't about being free from doubt and fear, it's about self realisation; if one can find a purpose to life (in your case, a girlfriend) then suffering, pain, doubt and fear are mere obstacles, not to be endured but enjoyed, just ask an Olympian.

Edited by dimreepr

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I'm different than others. I'm sorry, I just am. When I walk around in public, every guy I see is a cardboard cutout of each other, and every girl is a cardboard cutout that is attracted to the cardboard cutout guy. I'm different, and not in the cool way. I'm the kind that just does not "click". I'm sorry, but 25 is old enough to have a good grasp on this. Out of the tens of thousands of men over the age of 24 in my state capitol, there are likely few to none who are virgins or inexperienced like me. Plus, its not just inexperience, its the looks and the personality. Its not going to happen for me. Never.

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I'm different than others. I'm sorry, I just am. When I walk around in public, every guy I see is a cardboard cutout of each other, and every girl is a cardboard cutout that is attracted to the cardboard cutout guy. I'm different, and not in the cool way. I'm the kind that just does not "click". I'm sorry, but 25 is old enough to have a good grasp on this. Out of the tens of thousands of men over the age of 24 in my state capitol, there are likely few to none who are virgins or inexperienced like me. Plus, its not just inexperience, its the looks and the personality. Its not going to happen for me. Never.

It's only true what you say because you are making it that way; a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are master of your own destiny.

 

Read well what Delta wrote.

Edited by StringJunky

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Yeah, I used to think that too. I was wrong.

 

Incidentally, a quick Google search puts the percentage of 25 to 29 year olds in the US who are virgins at about 5% for both males and females.

 

So it's less "few to none" and more "one in twenty."

 

Edit: also, 20-24 year olds it was close to 15%. So rough guesstimate, I'd say it's probably in the 7-9% range for 25-year-olds specifically.

Edited by Delta1212

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Edit: also, 20-24 year olds it was close to 15%. So rough guesstimate, I'd say it's probably in the 7-9% range for 25-year-olds specifically.

Roughly the same as the number of gay people, to put that in perspective; that's alot. Tampitump is not as alone in sexual experience status as he thinks.

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I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex. I'm just not a sexually savvy person. I'm stiff, ugly, awkward, and uninteresting. I just can't do it. It's not for me. It wouldn't be right for me, and it wouldn't be right for the girl either. I wouldn't be here saying this if it weren't true. I just wouldn't feel right. It's a very tough dichotomy. I just don't think its right for someone like me to have sex. I'm not sure I want to risk passing my genes on either.

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If you weren't so down on religion , you might try meeting women at church services.

You could provide an outlet for all those women's repressed sexual urges.

 

I'm not religious, but, for years, when I was younger, the only mass I would attend would be midnight mass on Christmas eve.

All the girls were dressed up like they were going clubbing, and afterwards was like a party with everyone wishing everyone else a Merry Christmas, exchanging hugs and kisses. Then a bunch of us would go for breakfast. And then...

 

Damn, I miss being young.

 

P.S. - Sometimes I see real unattractive dudes with gorgeous women. I don't know you, but you seem to be the only one continually saying you're not attractive and not very intelligent, Maybe you're wrong.

And you've certainly proved in this thread and others, that you are interesting, or at least have interesting opinions.

Edited by MigL

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I think part of my problem is that when I was very little, I assumed certain things just naturally happened as you got older, and that's not how it works. Things don't usually just happen to you, you have to put in some effort to make things happen.

 

So, you want a scientific reason why you do not have a girlfriend?

 

On the macroscopic level that we live in and deal with day to day, you do not get an effect without a cause. For whatever reason, it seems mostly out of fear, you are unwilling to cause anything to happen.

 

No cause, no effect. That's more or less it.

 

Edit: Seconding the attractive girls with unattractive guys comment of MigL's, by the way. The most attractive girl at my high school, in any grade, while I was there was in a long term relationship with an overweight guy that didn't do any athletics or anything. I heard many an "alpha male" express confusion over that in the locker room for years.

 

And that was high school. The older you get, the more people take other factors than just pure looks into account. You may insist that you could never be attractive to anyone physically, and I can't effectively argue with you on that point because I have no idea what you look like, though based on the totality of your comments, I expect you inflate the difficulty you have in that respect at least somewhat in your own mind because you seem to have a habit of doing that in general, but other things, like temperament, social skills, personal interests and skills, and so on, are all things you can work on to improve. They are all learnable. They can be developed by anyone who wants to put the effort in. It will probably make you happier to develop those things even without them leading to any kind of relationship with anyone else. And those are all extra factors that are entirely capable of making you a more attractive person to others than you would assume just based on looks.

 

Your first step is that you need to stop assuming that because it hasn't happened for you yet, that it can't happen and that you are somehow inherently the opposite of what everyone else in the world wants. Because to a greater or lesser extent, that is a choice that you make. You can't completely choose what you look like, but you do have some degree of choice over who you are, the things you do and how you treat other people. And you have a choice about whether to interact with other people. The less you do, the less likely you are to meet people who genuinely like you, and the less likely you are to develop any more than a superficial acquaintanceship with someone who may potentially be able to feel more if they knew you better.

 

Just remember, lack of past success is no guarantee of future failure.

Edited by Delta1212

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Your first step is that you need to stop assuming that because it hasn't happened for you yet, that it can't happen and that you are somehow inherently the opposite of what everyone else in the world wants.

I do not assume this. It is obvious. I'm not going off of bad data here. This is the story of my life. I deal with it every day. I AM, in evolutionary terms, the opposite of what everyone wants. I'm the reclusive, non-sexually attractive, non-alpha-male.

 

You people keep talking about this like I've only had a couple weeks experience at my own life. I KNOW this stuff, I don't assume it. It is my life 24/7 for the past 25 years. It is FACT. Not opinion. Not even just a well supported hypothesis. FACT. I CAN'T have a girlfriend.

I'm too old to start dating now. Its just not the world I need to get into at this point. It's a dog eat dog world that I just could not handle anyway. I'm not made for it.

Edited by Tampitump

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Gentle reminder: You seem decent and kind, but appear to be your own worst enemy.

 

Strange to me how many people just keep kicking themselves when they're down, then kicking some more, as if that's somehow going to help them stand back up any faster.

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You're too old to start dating now ???

I'm almost 57 yrs old, and still occasionally date.

Not that I'm looking for a relationship, but everyone needs human companionship.

( my two cats just don't cut it )

 

You can't just chat on the internet for the next 50 yrs or so.

Life is what YOU make of it, not the lot you're dealt.

Live your life.

You won't get a second chance ( I get the impression you don't believe in the after-life ).

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I think it just boils down to the fact that you guys don't know just how ugly and unappealing I really am. Its not the kind that can be reconciled, or that women would find "unique looking" or "unconventionally handsome". Girls used to line up in the hallway in grade school laughing at me. I've had absolutely nothing but negative reactions from girls. I would bet my life that every single living human female in existence right now would repudiate the idea of being with me. You talk to me as if I'm a normal person. Your advice would be good if I were a normal person, but I'm not. I'm sorry, I just have too much experience. I'm the guy that is thought right off the bat to be an undesirable. They don't even put a second thought into it. Girls don't even take me into consideration. If anything, I'm the first one on their list to avoid. I'm not sure how to communicate that to you people here. You seem to be ignoring me every time I try to stress it. There are NO women who have ever lived, who live now, or will ever live who will find me attractive or will ever be willing to be with me. It really is that simple. I guess we can shut the conversation down now.


You're too old to start dating now ???

I'm almost 57 yrs old, and still occasionally date.

I'm too old to just be starting. It just wouldn't work now, even for a normal person.

Edited by Tampitump

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Well, your only other alternative is to get very rich.

You don't think wrinkly old Hugh Hefner has all those women hangin around 'cause he's good looking, do you ?

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Well, your only other alternative is to get very rich.

You don't think wrinkly old Hugh Hefner has all those women hangin around 'cause he's good looking, do you ?

He's Brad Pitt compared to me.

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It is FACT. Not opinion. Not even just a well supported hypothesis. FACT. I CAN'T have a girlfriend.

 

The thread is about exposing whether there are rational reasons why you currently don't have a girlfriend. But the only reason that matters is your steadfast denial that it's even possible. An idea in science has to be possible, otherwise there's no point in discussing it.

 

I don't see how we can help you in this. If you need reassurance that it IS possible, I'd rather do it in a thread with a more positive spin. But this one seems to have become about people offering help so you can pee all over their suggestions. It seems to depress you even more, and it certainly isn't fun for anyone trying to toss you a line so you don't drown.

 

So I would say the scientific reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you don't do enough of the things that put you in contact with women to give you better odds at finding someone you click with, because you're convinced something is wrong with either you, or them, or the process, making the concept impossible. It's hard to get anything done with that perspective. Whether you're applying for a job, or driving a car for the first time, or trying to make friends with a woman you're attracted to, if you're convinced you can't do it it's FAR less likely you will.

 

You don't start a journey (at any age) by nailing your feet to the floor.

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Anger is dangerous. You come across as extremely angry. That seems to be another reason.

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Anger is dangerous. You come across as extremely angry. That seems to be another reason.

I actually take offense to that.

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I think it just boils down to the fact that you guys don't know just how ugly and unappealing I really am.

 

Please, take a few minutes and read Lizzie Velasquez's story: http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-ouch-30948179

 

Excerpt:

"She was 17 when she stumbled across a YouTube video entitled "The World's Ugliest Woman"."

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Please, take a few minutes and read Lizzie Velasquez's story: http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-ouch-30948179

 

Excerpt:

"She was 17 when she stumbled across a YouTube video entitled "The World's Ugliest Woman"."

Amazing woman. Her parents are too. Smoke gets gets in my eyes...

Edited by StringJunky

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I actually take offense to that.

Why? I was entirely sincere and meant no offence whatsoever. It was an observation, and I believe a valid one. You come across as deeply angry and emotionally volatile. If females are picking up on those things, they may be avoiding you for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with your morphology.

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Why? I was entirely sincere and meant no offence whatsoever. It was an observation, and I believe a valid one. You come across as deeply angry and emotionally volatile. If females are picking up on those things, they may be avoiding you for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with your morphology.

You are a square. There, now we're even. Lol

 

The way I talk on here is not how I am in person. I let it all out on here, but I'm very polite in person. I always smile, make eye contact, and act friendly.

 

Like the woman in the article, I too have marfan syndrome. It has nothing to do with my looks. It is usually linked to people who have pectus excavatum like me. Tall, lanky, double jointed, and flat footed are also common traits of people with this condition. Guilty on all accounts.

 

No, the things I've said about my looks are probably just my depression speaking. The real ugly thing going on with me is my severe, untreated mental depression. I think women recoil from me because of my whole essence, rather than just my looks. I'm not sure.

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