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Tampitump

Scientific reasons for me not having a girlfriend?

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Hey guys,

 

I'm 25 years old and a virgin. I've also never dated and my contact with women has been little to none all my life.

 

I recently started thinking about this, and from an evolutionary standpoint, this does not seem good to me. I figured I would try to figure out what the reason for this is, but I wanted to approach it 100% scientifically.

 

What are some scientific reasons a guy may have gone his first 25 years without female interaction? Or without any interest from females at all?

 

I thought the people here could help me figure it out. Thanks.

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Insecurity.

Social awkwardness.

Lack of confidence.

Challenging upbringing.

Abusive childhood.

Addiction.

Poor coping mechanisms.

Lack of employment.

No access to females.

Imprisonment.

Paralysis.

Poor hygiene.

Genetic mutation.

 

I could go on. The reasons why you've gone without female interaction could be myriad, but my guess is you already have a good idea.

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Insecurity.

Social awkwardness.

Lack of confidence.

Challenging upbringing.

Abusive childhood.

Addiction.

Poor coping mechanisms.

Lack of employment.

No access to females.

Imprisonment.

Paralysis.

Poor hygiene.

Genetic mutation.

 

I could go on. The reasons why you've gone without female interaction could be myriad, but my guess is you already have a good idea.

After reviewing your hypotheses, I can unequivocally rule out the following:

 

Abusive childhood

Addiction

No access to females

Imprisonment

And paralysis

 

I'm not sure what "challenging upbringing" would entail. All the others are possible depending on your definitions of them and what you mean by them.

Edited by Tampitump

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I'm not sure if there are any scientific reasons for not having a girlfriend since from a animal kingdom view....we need mates to carry on our genes onto the next generation and as all animals strive to do. I think I once heard there are scientific beneifts for not having a mate such as lower cortisol and longer longevity and other factors but I'm much too lazy to look into it haha. This is something that has eveolved to become subjective for humans, probably as a affect of our growth of intelligence.

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Hey guys,

 

I'm 25 years old and a virgin. I've also never dated and my contact with women has been little to none all my life.

 

I recently started thinking about this, and from an evolutionary standpoint, this does not seem good to me. I figured I would try to figure out what the reason for this is, but I wanted to approach it 100% scientifically.

 

What are some scientific reasons a guy may have gone his first 25 years without female interaction? Or without any interest from females at all?

 

I thought the people here could help me figure it out. Thanks.

A needs to be in the vicinity of B for C to happen. You need exposure. Try a dating text site to start so you can compose yourself before each response then try Whatsapping or Skyping calls then go onto video. At any stage of those different media, if they are local, meet them for a coffee or whatever. The point is to gradually increase your exposure to people as your confidence grows.

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I'm not sure the evolutionary angle is going to help the situation. Perhaps a forensic approach is needed (since it's a crime for mutually attracted people not to get together).

 

Looking at means, opportunity, and motive, it sounds like your motivation isn't strong enough to overcome whatever blocks it, so the opportunities fail to develop. Most blocks like that are caused by the top three on iNow's list:

 

Insecurity.
Social awkwardness.
Lack of confidence.

 

If you can work on minimizing these obstacles, your opportunities for social contact with women will become easier to manage, matching your motivation to turn this into a skill.

 

Let me ask you this: what would be your reaction if someone you know told you they'd arranged for you to have dinner with a woman your age tomorrow night, so you can get to know each other. From a brief description, she sounds very nice. All you have to do is show up to the restaurant at the right time. Do you say yes?

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I'm not sure the evolutionary angle is going to help the situation. Perhaps a forensic approach is needed (since it's a crime for mutually attracted people not to get together).

 

Looking at means, opportunity, and motive, it sounds like your motivation isn't strong enough to overcome whatever blocks it, so the opportunities fail to develop. Most blocks like that are caused by the top three on iNow's list:

 

 

If you can work on minimizing these obstacles, your opportunities for social contact with women will become easier to manage, matching your motivation to turn this into a skill.

 

Let me ask you this: what would be your reaction if someone you know told you they'd arranged for you to have dinner with a woman your age tomorrow night, so you can get to know each other. From a brief description, she sounds very nice. All you have to do is show up to the restaurant at the right time. Do you say yes?

Those are some very good points. If someone set me up on a blind date tomorrow night, my reaction would first be to ask some questions about her probably. I wouldn't bee afraid or nervous I don't think, but I would have little to no confidence she would like me or be attracted/interested in me.

 

I would say that in my adulthood I have grown more insecure, more depressed, and more socially awkward. I'm not sure if I always was, but I know that there was a time when I at least was not aware of being both insecure or socially awkward. I suppose now that I'm cognizant of it, Its likely gotten worse.

 

I'm not necessarily interested in gaining a gf at this point, save for probably attaining one temporarily as part of the experiment to figure this out. I don't think I would resort to online dating for many reasons. For one, it doesn't solve or address my problem because online dating is, in most cases, a cop out. Its what you use when you can't get a date the real way. If I got a girlfriend online, so what? I can order a certificate online that looks like a college degree, doesn't make it a real college degree that I actually achieved the correct way. I'm not trying to get myself a girlfriend. I'm just trying to figure out this problem. I'm not really desirous of a gf.

Edited by Tampitump

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I'm not trying to get myself a girlfriend. I'm just trying to figure out this problem.

These two seem at odds...

 

i) You are not trying to get a gf.

ii) You see not being able to get a gf as a problem.

 

Anyway, my only advice would be to try to realise that you do have something to offer someone.

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These two seem at odds...

 

i) You are not trying to get a gf.

ii) You see not being able to get a gf as a problem.

 

Anyway, my only advice would be to try to realise that you do have something to offer someone.

You might actually be onto something. Maybe that's the core of it...not having anything to offer (or at least not sufficient). I'm not sure exactly what that would entail. Would you mind elaborating?

 

I suppose the only known scientific framework to discuss this issue in would be evolutionary terms. I'm not very educated on evolution outside of the basics (common ancestry, natural selection, etc.). I know there are certain evolutionary processes that govern most of the mating selection (I'm probably using erroneous language and have it all wrong).

 

I'm not really wanting to turn this into a thread discussing the personal implications of my dating life (or lack thereof). I'm merely using my case as an example of an outlier and trying to understand it scientifically because it fascinates me.

 

Also, when I say I'm not trying to get a girlfriend, what I mean is that's not the point of this. You're looking at it the wrong way. While I AM trying to figure out and understand this problem, I'm not looking to get a girlfriend for the purpose of "having a girlfriend" and being "happily ever after" etc. I'm not asking people here to give me advice on how to get a girlfriend and pep talk etc. I'm merely trying to understand my situation scientifically. Everything I say here should be taken

Edited by Tampitump

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While I AM trying to figure out and understand this problem...

My point is that you do see this as a problem. Why? (I don't want to say that it is or is not a problem - only you can decide)

 

I'm merely trying to understand my situation scientifically.

It is a question of psychology.

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You might actually be onto something. Maybe that's the core of it...not having anything to offer (or at least not sufficient). I'm not sure exactly what that would entail. Would you mind elaborating?

 

I suppose the only known scientific framework to discuss this issue in would be evolutionary terms. I'm not very educated on evolution outside of the basics (common ancestry, natural selection, etc.). I know there are certain evolutionary processes that govern most of the mating selection (I'm probably using erroneous language and have it all wrong).

 

I'm not really wanting to turn this into a thread discussing the personal implications of my dating life (or lack thereof). I'm merely using my case as an example of an outlier and trying to understand it scientifically because it fascinates me.

 

Also, when I say I'm not trying to get a girlfriend, what I mean is that's not the point of this. You're looking at it the wrong way. While I AM trying to figure out and understand this problem, I'm not looking to get a girlfriend for the purpose of "having a girlfriend" and being "happily ever after" etc. I'm not asking people here to give me advice on how to get a girlfriend and pep talk etc. I'm merely trying to understand my situation scientifically. Everything I say here should be taken as technical and as scientific data.

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Science, eh? There's likely a physiological explanation; a predisposition toward social anxiety which is magnified in the presence of potential mates and is similar to a neurosis.

 

This generates an acute stress or fear response which, however mild, causes a spike in cortisol and adrenaline levels which create psychological discomfort (and we're basically wired to minimize discomfort).

 

This occurs on both a conscious and an unconscious level as part of our sympathetic nervous system and frequently leads to avoidance behaviors, essentially a flight response (as in fight or flight) like one that would be triggered in the presence of an approaching tiger or hungry shark.

 

This response is an inborn mechanism intended to protect us from threat or attack and to aid in our survival, but unfortunately when triggered in mating interactions (or from harmless social interactions with members of the opposite sex) tends to result in the exact opposite since it drastically reduces the likelihood of conceiving viable offspring and progeny.

 

If this explanation is valid, then the effect is psychosocial, is not permanent, and through some focus, effort, and determination can almost certainly be overcome through coping mechanisms, practice, and continued exposure to the perceived threat.

Edited by iNow

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Science, eh? There's likely a physiological explanation; a predisposition toward social anxiety which is magnified in the presence of potential mates and is similar to a neurosis.

This generates an acute stress or fear response which, however mild, causes a spike in cortisol and adrenaline levels which create psychological discomfort (and we're basically wired to minimize discomfort).

This occurs on both a conscious and an unconscious level as part of our sympathetic nervous system and frequently leads to avoidance behaviors, essentially a flight response (as in fight or flight) like one that would be triggered in the presence of an approaching tiger or hungry shark.

This response is an inborn mechanism intended to protect us from threat or attack and to aid in our survival, but unfortunately when triggered in mating interactions (or from harmless social interactions with members of the opposite sex) tends to result in the exact opposite since it drastically reduces the likelihood of conceiving viable offspring and progeny.

If this explanation is valid, then the effect is psychosocial, is not permanent, and through some focus, effort, and determination can almost certainly be overcome through coping mechanisms, practice, and continued exposure to the perceived threat.

What he said.

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I wouldn't bee afraid or nervous I don't think, but I would have little to no confidence she would like me or be attracted/interested in me.

 

Why? What is it you think you lack that women are attracted to? What makes you uninteresting?

 

Also, what makes a woman interesting to you? What are you attracted to?

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Hey guys,

 

I'm 25 years old and a virgin. I've also never dated and my contact with women has been little to none all my life.

 

I recently started thinking about this, and from an evolutionary standpoint, this does not seem good to me. I figured I would try to figure out what the reason for this is, but I wanted to approach it 100% scientifically.

 

What are some scientific reasons a guy may have gone his first 25 years without female interaction? Or without any interest from females at all?

 

I thought the people here could help me figure it out. Thanks.

 

 

If you have a problem then solve it, no-one can do it for you; you can't force someone to love you but you can encourage it.

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If you have a problem then solve it, no-one can do it for you; you can't force someone to love you but you can encourage it.

 

If the hole is too dark, you can't see the handholds that will let you climb out on your own. Seeking advice from others often helps shine a light on productive solutions.

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My point is, whilst you can control yourself you can't control others, no matter what light you use.

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It's a mixture of opportunity and willingness. Luck favors the prepared.

 

It's not about controlling others, but recognizing we all have something to offer and finding strength within ourselves. It's about acceptance and trust and comfort.

 

When you're more comfortable, others are more comfortable.

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Once again, I'm not asking for dating advice, I'm just trying to understand my lifelong lack of female attention in scientific terms. iNow offered a very compelling case. I think what he/she offered there is probably the bulk of it, but there are perhaps some issues personal to me that play a role.

While I am 25 years old, unemployed, and live with parents, that still doesn't account for my earlier years. The lack of attraction from women is not new, its been going on since childhood.

I'll name some prominent instances I've had involving women:

One incident in which three of my friends tried to take me to a party to "get me laid". There were four girls we met up with (one girl to every guy). Three of them paired with my three friends, and the fourth one went home because she did not want to be near me.
There have been at least three separate incidents in which an attractive girl has come up to me at random in public and told me she thought I was unnattractive/weird-looking.
No attempt at asking a girl out has been successful.
In high school, the pep club (which consisted of nearly every popular kid in school) created a "parody" list of superlatives wherein I was voted "most likely to be a model". The titles were sarcastic and the opposite of their meanings.
A number of other things.

I can also gain some insight by how women act around me in general. I'm a very polite, well-mannered, and happy person. But the lack of respect and lack of acknowledgement of my existence is astonishing and staggering. The results I get from women are either that they flat out don't recognize me, or they go out of their way to let me know that my presence bothers them. I can't see why, I've always got a smile on my face and try to be a good person to talk to. I suppose maybe my personality is not what I perceive.

So far, iNow has made a good case, but I thought I needed to add some personal details in order to provide a more informed look into my case. What do you guys think? Remember, I'm not looking for dating advice, I'm just trying to get a sense of the scientific mechanisms that are working here. I'm not personally concerned with having a mate or gf etc. Its just the topic of biology and psychology as it relates to animal mating/reproduction fascinates me. Especially when it comes to human courtship behaviors and dating.

 

Also, another interesting thing about my case is how women will interact with other males when in my presence. I've done some of my own (secret) experimentation in these scenarios. In every case without exception, the female treats me very poorly and with disgust, but she seems to show a slightly heightened interest and sense of enjoyment towards the other males in the situation. It's to the point in which I can literally walk in and say something to a female and she will react negatively. But another male can walk in literally thirty seconds afterwards and say/do the exact same thing as I did and the female will give him a positive reaction. It really is fascinating and confusing, kind of like quantum mechanics. I don't even know where to start in figuring it out. Perhaps my own experimentation is ineffective for reasons I don't understand. It's not like this is an exact science.

 

I think another thing that adds to my lack of desirability with females is my severe Pectus Excavatum, though I don't think this plays a huge role. I feel that the mating issues would be largely the same with or without the PE. I just thought it was worth mentioning as it could be a point of data.

Edited by Tampitump

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Hey guys,

 

I'm 25 years old and a virgin. I've also never dated and my contact with women has been little to none all my life.

 

I recently started thinking about this, and from an evolutionary standpoint, this does not seem good to me. I figured I would try to figure out what the reason for this is, but I wanted to approach it 100% scientifically.

 

 

 

haha haha I LOVE YOU :wub: haha ha :wub:

 

haha haa

 

:) :-) :) :-)

 

and I have altready predicted that you were young from your another thread :)

 

and about question :

 

probably , the sex is a necessity and there is no other clear reason that I know :)

Edited by blue89

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and I have altready predicted that you were young from your another thread :)

I don't think 25 is young. Its a pretty old age.

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I don't think 25 is young. Its a pretty old age.

Ha! Maybe 40,000 years ago when you were geriatric at 31. :lol:

 

Some food for thought: You seem to be overthinking this. Attraction is weird. There are some objective qualities like bilateral symmetry, certain waist to hip ratios, skin tones, hair, etc that are queues to health and fertility, but beyond that different people are attracted to different things, and even the same person is attracted to different things at different times.

 

Find ways to be comfortable and accepting, and don't worry looking to rationalize the situation with "science." That's my two cents, anyway.

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If you've had little experience even talking to women, the last thing you need is friends focusing on sex with them. You should focus on having a productive conversation with women. It sounds like you don't think women could find you interesting, which isn't a productive mindset. Even if a girl shows interest, you question why and think there must be something wrong with her.

 

It also causes you to compare what you think women want (the smile on your face, the good person to talk to) with what women actually respond to (the things the other guys are doing). This seems like a reasonable plan to you, but in reality you're already convinced none of the women are going to be attracted to the smile on your good-person-to-talk-to face. You're already prepared to lose out to a guy you probably think isn't as nice as you are, and that also leads you to question the women as well. You end up with a horrible impression of everybody, including yourself.

 

I think another thing that adds to my lack of desirability with females is my severe Pectus Excavatum, though I don't think this plays a huge role. I feel that the mating issues would be largely the same with or without the PE. I just thought it was worth mentioning as it could be a point of data.

 

Since this isn't something visible to anybody you're just having a conversation with, I would suggest it's addition to your "lack of desirability" is in your mind (which doesn't make it any easier to deal with). This is another example of you pre-judging your opportunities. You're convinced that she won't find you interesting because eventually she might see you with your shirt off, so when the fuse is lit, you're putting it out partly yourself, and your opportunity fizzles.

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If you've had little experience even talking to women, the last thing you need is friends focusing on sex with them. You should focus on having a productive conversation with women. It sounds like you don't think women could find you interesting, which isn't a productive mindset. Even if a girl shows interest, you question why and think there must be something wrong with her.

 

It also causes you to compare what you think women want (the smile on your face, the good person to talk to) with what women actually respond to (the things the other guys are doing). This seems like a reasonable plan to you, but in reality you're already convinced none of the women are going to be attracted to the smile on your good-person-to-talk-to face. You're already prepared to lose out to a guy you probably think isn't as nice as you are, and that also leads you to question the women as well. You end up with a horrible impression of everybody, including yourself.

 

 

Since this isn't something visible to anybody you're just having a conversation with, I would suggest it's addition to your "lack of desirability" is in your mind (which doesn't make it any easier to deal with). This is another example of you pre-judging your opportunities. You're convinced that she won't find you interesting because eventually she might see you with your shirt off, so when the fuse is lit, you're putting it out partly yourself, and your opportunity fizzles.

He's putting obstacles in the way to justify his inaction. The reality is, some people see others with their mind's eye and others see in the literal physical sense. He will fit someone's idea of attractive.

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