Jump to content

The Official JOKES SECTION :)


Recommended Posts

51 minutes ago, Itoero said:

They say  a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Yet a bird often stress shits in your hand...I prefer them in the bush...so my hand remains clean.

A bird will also shit in your hand when it relaxes and fluffs its feathers. Don't ask me how I know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/25/2019 at 2:24 PM, Itoero said:

They say  a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Yet a bird often stress shits in your hand...I prefer them in the bush...so my hand remains clean.

I don't want to starve, so I grab all three and wipe my hand on the bush.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When it comes to man's behavior - Newton's Law of Gravity works perfectly. It proven that in distances between the brain, heart and that's 'in between our legs', the attraction is stronger if we're closer to the center of gravity. Agree?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That reminds me of a cartoon I saw years ago. It was 2 astronauts standing on another planet looking at their own shadow. But the shadow was only their skeleton. One of the astronauts says "I don't like the looks of that."

I wish I could find that on the internet. It would be much better than me describing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I share an apartment with a girl. One day she came home earlier than usual, looked at me, and said "Take off my clothes".
I hesitated, but she insisted "Take off my shoes". I took them off.
"Take off my dress". I took it off.
"Take off my stockings". I took them off.
"Take off my bra". I took it off.
"Now take off my panties". I felt super awkward, but slowly took them off.
And then she said "Never wear my clothes again! Got it?!".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy took his lunch in a restaurant. After the lunch, he realized he lost his wallet. So he thought of something to get out of that silly situation.

He told the waiter that he lost his wallet but he challenged the waiter that, it would be a free lunch if he able to bite his right eye. The waiter told himself that its only a few bucks to pay the guy's lunch, so he accepted the challenge. He was surprised then that the guy has an artificial eye - the guy took out the eyeball and bit it. 

As the waiter went on  to clean the table,  the guy told him, "if you want I can also bite my left eye, if you pay for the food for a take out". To make sure, the waiter asked if the guy could see the color of the table, the curtains and everything. At the time that he was sure that the left eye is not an artificial - he took the challenge.

The guy took out the false teeth from his mouth, a pair of complete false teeth and bit his left eye.

Moral lesson: Never trust people of how they look!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a playboy friend whose girlfriends' names always associated with their fathers' job.and he's proud to be a 'Big Time' playboy!

Like May, who's father is a city MAYor (mayor)

Prescy (nickname for Priscilla) who's father is a bank's prescydent (president)

Shane, who's father is shane-a-tor (senator)

Then suddenly, he said, "... except Jane"?

Why? Let me think... maybe because his father is a jane-ne-ral (perhaps, a general in the army)

"NO, ...his father is a "Jane-tor (Janitor)!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important Science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver, who looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of your conferences and even though I don't know anything about Science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So that scientist stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at that scientist, dead in the eye, and says:


"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Had cause to use the toilet cubicle at my local watering hole yesterday, and there was some graffiti at the bottom of the door which read, "Beware of Limbo Dancers" :D


Three very close Irish brothers while having a beer were discussing one of them who decided to move to Australia....Paddy said to Mick and Sean, the drinking together is what I'm really going to miss. In future why when we are having a beer, don't we always continue to order three beers as we do now. They all agreed this was a wonderful idea!

The day came finally when Paddy boarded his plane and left his two brothers at the terminal in tears. Paddy quickly settled down in Sydney and found a nice little watering hole close by.

He walked in one day and went up to the bartender and asked for three schooners of beer. The bartender obliged and watched Paddy take them back to an empty table, and slowly drink the three beers. The next day Paddy again did the same thing and continued for the rest of the week....into the Pub, order three schooners and drink them. Finally the bartender's curiosity got the better of him and he asked Paddy one day, "Hey Paddy why do you order three beers all at the same time? Why not one at a time and then they would remain chilled and not get warm and we always have plenty on tap. So Paddy told him about his two brothers in Ireland and how they would continue to order for the one/s that were absent and maintain their custom and closeness. The bartender nodded and wiped a tear from his eye and said, "Ahh that's beautiful Paddy, I understand now"

After this daily routine continued for a month or so, the Pub locals got to know Paddy and accepted the rather weird behaviour of ordering three beers at a time. One day however Paddy came in and ordered two schooners. The bartender's jaw dropped and he sadly gave Paddy the two schooners and accepted that Paddy had lost one of his brothers who had passed on. Quickly he decided on a course of action and went around to all the other locals, told them that one of Paddy's brothers had died and took up a collection for their grieving friend.

The bartender went across to Paddy and gave him the sizable sum of money to help. Paddy looked bemused and asked, "what's this for?" The bartender sadly explained and offered his condolences for his loss. Paddy looked up and laughed, "No no"he said, "You have it all wrong!" My brothers are all OK...It's me! I've given up drinking!!" 

Edited by beecee
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
  • 1 month later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.