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Santa was boiling a knife.

Banta: Why are you boiling it?

Santa: I want to commit suicide.

Banta: Then why boil it?

Santa: To prevent infection.

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Two ways to go to jail:

Next time you are pulled over by a policeman for speeding do one of the following:

1) Argue that his velocity measurement was made from a non-inertial reference frame.

2) Argue that the product of the position and momentum uncertainties he's claiming is less than $\hbar$ and therefore in violation of Heisenberg.

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• 4 weeks later...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."

Haha that's hilarious!!! Will have to remember that one.

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Water: Sir, In how many pieces you want this pizza to be cut? 4 or 8

Man: Cut in 4. I won't to be able to eat 8.

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• 2 weeks later...

How does an electron commits suicide?

He jumps from the hydrogen bridge...

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What do Australia and Mc Donalds have in common?

They're both run by red headed clowns.

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What do Australia and Mc Donalds have in common?

They're both run by red headed clowns.

On behalf of the Red Headed Clown Society I would like to know what is wrong with some of our members holding positions of responsibility?

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• 4 weeks later...

Why are particle physicists bad in bed?

Because when they find the position, they loose the momentum, and when the find the momentum, they loose the position...

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• 1 month later...

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. Soone night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spokesoftly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can youhear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind herand said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "for the third time, yes!"

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• 1 month later...

Hi boss, I won't be in today, I'm sick.

What's wrong?

I'm in bed with my sister.

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A dyslexic man walks into a BRA.

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Haha bra!

How's this... A proton's gone shopping with her two hyperactive electron children, and she says "if you two brats don't stopping pulling on me I'm gonna give you both such a smack." I'm sorry if I've offended anyone who knows of the mentioned abusive behaviour that goes on within atoms every single day.

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Yesterday, I walked over to the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then I stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. I'd left my truck at home and I was wondering how I could carry all this stuff home when mooeypoo walked by.

I said, "Hey, moo, can you help me home with this stuff?"

Mooey suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

I said, "Why thank you very much! Can I walk you home?" She said sure and we started walking.

On the way I said, "Let's take a short cut down this alley. We'll get you home quicker that way."

She looked at me and said, "I'm a beautiful young woman and the alley is dark. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

I said, "Mooey! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

Mooeypoo replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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• 1 month later...

Jack the thief meets his friend Bob the thief parking his splendid Ferrari.

_"What a great car you have, Bob, where did you stole it?"

_"I didn't stole it" answers Bob

_"I don't believe you!"

_"O, yes, you stole some credit card!"

_"No, no I payed as usual"

_"What do you mean as usual, you used a bad check!"

_"No I told you Jack, I payed with money, cash"

_"What??? Wait a moment, it was false money, isn't it?"

_"No, I am not that stupid to steal false money".

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---------------------

At the doctor:

"sit down"

the patient sits.

the patient opens his mouth

"strip"

the patient strips

"completely"

the patient strips completely

the patient raises his left arm

"relax"

the patient relaxes

"lay on that bed'

the patient lies on that bed

"breathe slowly"

the patient breathes slowly

...............................

Doctor, what do I have?

"you have a submission syndrom, you are always doing what you are told to do. It is curable but you must do exactly what I will tell you".

(adaptation from a comic strip of Philippe Geluck)

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• 1 month later...
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• 4 weeks later...

"Sorry, we don't serve sub-atomic particles in here"

A neutrino walks into a bar.

Edited by tomgwyther
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• 3 weeks later...

This one is better read aloud.(especially the last 7 words)

The Lord of the Manor was soaking in his bath when he fancied a drink. He rang for his butler, called Wardle, and said " Fetch me a large scotch Wardle". Just as Wardle was mid way between the bath and the door the Lord of the Manor farted quite vigorously which erupted as a burst of bubbles coming to the surface of his bath water. Wardle hesitated for a moment before continuing on his errand. A few minutes later Wardle returned with a large scotch in one hand and a hot water bottle in the other. He offered these to the Lord who looked surprised and said "Why have you brought me a hot water bottle?" Wardle replied " My Lord, as I left I distinctly heard you say "And what about a water bottle Wardle?""

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• 2 weeks later...

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church. The priest says, "Hey, we don't like your kind around here."

The particle replies, "But without me, you can't have mass"

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A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church. The priest says, "Hey, we don't like your kind around here."

The particle replies, "But without me, you can't have mass"

Was it a Roman Catholic Church then?

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I said to my wife "That's amazing, I've never seen you put the phone down after only ten minutes",

"How come?"

She said, "It was a wrong number".

You can always tell when a terrorist is shopping for clothes when they say:

Does my Bomb look big in this?"

Edited by morgsboi
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• 4 weeks later...

One for the kiddies at Easter:-

What do you get if you pour a kettle of boiling water down a rabbit hole at Easter?

Hot cross bunnies

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---->

Please delete if improper language or anything.

Edited by Externet

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