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The Official JOKES SECTION :)


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Three of those images imply too much power in the wrong place. The other is a horse.

Lies upon lies!!!  

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  • 2 weeks later...
Character - gir
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So, a busy night at SFN again. Or morning if you live in the deep chasms of the Pacific Ocean, I heard Mokele sometimes takes a nap there after destroying a coastal city or two. So anyhow, I see Phi for All is around again, pretty much to the annoyance of many. But man, what a party he had last Friday! I mean, it was a blast and I didn't even have to bring my explosives. There was this fun occasion where I was standing on the porch when I heard the phone ringing. I answered and heard "Hi, it's your beloved wife." She asked me if she should buy some new gold jewelry. I said it was OK, and told her that she'd better make it at least $50 000 worth. She was a bit surprised and then asked if she could have the permission to move to Mexico with her secret lover. I laughed and told her that, sure, it's fine and that she should go and have the time of her life. Later I walked up to Phi and told him his new cell phone is very nice and all but he shouldn't leave it on the porch like that in the future.
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Research has revealed four types of human orgasms: 1) the positive orgasm, "oh yes, it's so good", etc. 2) the religious orgasm, "oh Jesus, Buddha, God", 3) the scatological orgasm, "oh **** **** my ***", etc. and finally, 4) the fake orgasm, "Oh, Gilded".

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

 

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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One of the classical orchestral directors of the mid-20th century had a poor attitude toward women (I think it was Leopold Stokowski) and was said to have baited a player, saying, "Madame, would you sleep with me if I offered a million dollars?" She said she probably would. Then, he offered her $100, to which she indignantly replied, "What do you think I am, a whore?" "We have already established what you are, madame, and now we are haggling over the price." (Don't shoot the messenger!!)

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An Irishman walks into a Scottish inn, and asks the proprietor if she has a meal to offer him. She says, would you like some day-old soup? Yes, he answers. "Then come back tomorrow!"

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Q. Why did the chav cross the road...

A. Because it was safe

 

Q.What do you call a chav in a box...

A. Innit

 

(you probably wont understand these if your from the US)

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Sorry, I should also point out that 'safe' is a common greeting among chavs. i.e. 'safe mate, you wanna go rob up some special brew' to which you might reply 'innit'

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Character - gir
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Hey, everyone, you want to hear some funny? Welcome to the club! It looks like dueling stand-up with Gilded! He thinks he's such a wit, but he's wrong by half! The man couldn't put a joke together without gluing his fingers to his nostrils. Most of the laughs he gets here at the club are when he falls off the stage at the end of his act. I'll bet you were wondering how anyone could be that thirsty telling bad jokes. Seriously, Gilded doesn't have a drinking problem, he has a strength problem. His arm gets tired lifting two-litre Finlandia bottles. Drinking makes him *feel* sophisticated even though he can't *say* sophisticated. Tell us, Gilded, vodka you planning on doing later? He's a good guy, although he really puts the "scandal" in Scandalnavian. He dates mostly young, married women and is very popular in Finland. His hearing is excellent and he's getting very good at climbing out of upper floor windows. He really needs to remember his pants more often, given Finland's climate. The other day I saw him in a dress. I asked him where he got it and he told he he'd just climbed down from a bedroom window into an alley when a cute girl on a Vespa saw him. He was naked so she hopped off her motorbike, took off her dress and said, "Take what you want!" Jeez, Gilded, if you'd remembered to grab your pants you could've had a Vespa!
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A Higgs boson walks into an Irish town and sees no one around. Finding the people all crowded into the church, he enters and jostles his way down the aisle, at which point the priest ceases the liturgy. "Please don't stop because of me," he says. Answers the priest, "But you are Higgs and are supposed to give mass!"

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  • 3 weeks later...

Two rednecks are having a beer on the front porch. The first one says, "Hey, lemme ask you sumpthin'. If I was to sneak over to yore trailer some Saturday and make love to yore wife whilst you was out huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

 

The second redneck squints his eyes up and scratches his head for a while, then finally says, "Well, I don't know if it would make us *kin*, but it shore would make us EVEN!"

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If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.

 

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

 

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

 

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

 

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.

 

It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

 

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal.

 

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

 

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates and rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

 

It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub it will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

 

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

 

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.

 

Be very, very afraid.

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How many Starfleet Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None. If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter

array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a

diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield

instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the dechyon field

and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

 

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have a Golden retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and shake my head disgustedly but on impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

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  • 3 weeks later...

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