Gilded Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 A Finnish man goes on a trip around the world. Soon his friend receives a letter from Kenya: "Hi! I shot a lion in Kenya." Then, after a couple of days a letter from Portugal: "I spent a night with an amazing Portugese girl!" Then, after a week, a letter from Australia: "Ok, I visited a venereal disease clinic in Sydney. I should have shot the girl and spent the night with the lion." ---- Turns out only VD-jokes come to mind, so here's another one: A man gets a horrible disease from a girl she slept while he was on a holiday in Jamaica; his penis turns green. The man then goes to look for the most skilled doctors that could have a cure for his awful disease. First, he goes to Sydney. "Amputation is the only option", says the doctor. "OH GOD NO! There's got to be another way!" the man replies. Then the man goes to New York. Same thing happens. The man is devastated, and decides to visit a Jamaican voodoo doctor who might have a cure: Man: Please, tell me there's no need for amputation! Voodoo Doctor: No amputation. No need cut off. Man: OH THANK GOD! Voodoo Doctor: Yes, no need cut off. Penis fall off by itself before Monday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coquina Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Your VD joke reminded me of one - There once was a man from Pool Who discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic, And wipe off the lipstick, you fool." Anybody know anymore? I have a raft of 'em... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
123rock Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Two men meet in a clinic. The first one has a red ring around his penis, the second one has a green one. They're both worried. The first one goes in, comes out and tells the other,"Oh, don't worry, it's nothing." Calmed down, the second one comes in. The doctor tells him,"Hmm,this looks serious." The man immediately got worried and asked the doctor,"What do you mean, that man that just came out said not to worry!?" The doctor said,"Well lipstick is much more different than gonorhea." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coquina Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 There once was a gal from Hoboken, who claimed that her hymen was broken by riding a bike on a cobblestone pike, but it really was broken from pokin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 A man has had a terrible headache for several months. He decides he will commit suicide if there's nothing to do about it, but first he visits the doctor for the last time. "Ah yes, we have finally found a reason for your headache. It's your testicles; they are the reason. You have to be castrated" the doctor says. The man realizes that he can't live with the pain, so he agrees. Sometime after the operation the man gets incredibly depressed and decides that maybe new clothes would cheer him up. In a store: Man: I'm looking for a fancy green shirt. Shop Assistant: *picks up a shirt* This is your size? Man: Wow, how did you know? Shop Assistant: I've been on the business so long that I know these things. Man: Right... I also need new shoes. Shop Assistant: *picks up black shoes* Is this your size? Man: Wow! You were right again! Shop Assistant: Well, I know these things. Do you need anything else? Man: Yes, new underwear. Shop Assistant: *picks up a pack of underwear* Is this your size? Man: Aha! You were wrong this time, my size is two sizes smaller. Shop Assistant: Well OK, you can have underwear that are two sizes smaller but they will create so much pressure on your testicles that you will get an awful headache. ... ....Yep. ------ A Finn, a Britt and an American go into a bar. Brittish Guy: I'll have a Carlsberg. American Guy: I'll have a Budweiser. Finnish Guy: I'll have a glass of water. Brittish & American guys: Why didn't you have a beer? Finnish Guy: Because neither did you guys. ------ Here's a joke dedicated to ionizing radiation and its funny effects. A cowboy goes into a bar and sees a Russian man. The cowboy flips a coin in the air, shoots it twice during its flight, making two holes in it. The coin lands on the Russian guy's table. "Bill, Buffalo Bill" says the cowboy. The Russian is confused at first, then stands up, puts down his trousers, shows his third testicle and says "Bill, Cherno-Bill". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bloodhound Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 This is a quote from Monty python sketch American beer is like having sex on a canoe. [hide]because its ****ing close to water[/hide] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest thesensei Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 You MAY be a Michigander if... If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding... If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake... If your family breaks into violence during a UM-MSU game. If snow tires came standard on all your cars.... If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry... If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week... If you can identify an Ohio accent... If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town... If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels came off your bike... If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder... If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up... If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is... If someone asks you if you've ever been to Europe, and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..." If "Down South" to you means Toledo... If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was... If octupus and hockey go together as logically as hot dogs and baseball... If travelling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon... If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "Trolls" or "Lopers"... If the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Dominos, Little Ceaser's and Hungry Howie's... If the Big Mac is something you can drive across... If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island... If you had to get a passport to travel to Ohio... If you have as many Canadian coins in your pocket as American coins... If you kids' baseball game has ever been snowed out... If the trees in your backyard have spigots... If you know that a place called Kalamazoo actually exists... If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"... If you know what a pastie is... If you drive 70 in bumper to bumper traffic and always pass on the right... If your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus... If you have a favorite hockey team... If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's... If you know how to play Euchre... by David M. Stein Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pangloss Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 there was a Racoon in the forrest wandering about and he comes across his friend, he says "you`re looking a bit thin!" his mate says "yes, I`m absolutely starving, but I just don`t have the heart to kill and eat some of these insects" ( his mate says "but you`ve got to! you`ll die otherwise, here, let me help you get some food, you jump onto the end of this hollow log and I`ll crawl through the other end making as much noise as I can". his sick and starving friends say "ok, so then what?" "well" replied the other, " when the insects come out the other end, you jump on them and eat them" "Sigh, ok then, If I must, but it`s against my better judgement" replies the nearly collapsed racoon, and slowly climd onto the end of the hollow log... *Bang Boom Crash* comes his mate through the log and a couple of Weevils come running out the other end, his starving mate jumps off the end of the log and catches a Weevil!!! "Horray" shouts his mate and runs to look at the catch.... "erm.. why did you pick that one, there was clearly a MUCH bigger one to choose?" his friend replies, "since I`ve had this Guilt problem, it seemed the best thing to do" he continues after his friend gives a puzzeled look, " It was the lesser of two weevils". edited for obvious typos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pangloss Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 This one is more amusing if you know how hurricanes are named. (grin) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Gir, these National Enquirer people are getting too close to our secret alien identities! Bring me the solar-neutrino vortex and aim it at Boca Raton, Florida, extra-wide setting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 Q: what do you call a plum struggling to get out of a frock?^ A: A Damson In `dis Dress ^ Frock = a womans garment, dress, skirt with a top attatched type of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 A new blonde recruit is going through Paratrooper's schooling. His sergeant told them all, "Once you jump you need to open your parachute by pulling the ripcord. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one, pull the cord on that. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground". So, the blonde guy gets on the plane and when his turn to jump comes, he jumps clear of the plane and pulls the ripcord. It doesn't work so he pulls the cord on his reserve chute. That doesn't work either. "Oh, great!" he says to himself, "I bet the Jeep isn't going to wait for me either!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "How am I going to get all that into this one little square?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 At one point during a game, the coach called over one of his young players and asked him, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or use foul language or beat the umpire with a pair of cleats, right?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Demosthenes- Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Devorced Barbie became available in the market yesterday, it comes with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's dog, Ken's apartment.... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 How can you tell there's just not enough food in Transylvania? ----- Answer: Vampires search the trash cans for used tampons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Top Ten Blonde Inventions 1) Waxed tea bags 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat for a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) The water-proof towel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 There was a mailman who decided to retire. It was his last day and at the first house they gave him a box of chocolates. The next house gave him a nice big gift basket. At the third house, a hot looking blonde answered the door in nothing but a see-through slip. She took him upstairs and gave him the best sex of his life. They went downstairs and she made him some eggs, and then she handed him a dollar. He asked, "What was all that for?" The blonde replied, "Oh, it was my husband's idea. I asked him what we should get you for your retirement and he said, 'Screw the mail man, give him a dollar!' The breakfast was my idea." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Two blond redneck guys are driving their pickup down the road when they spot a city woman who's car has run out of gas. She asks if they'll give her a lift to a gas station and back, and the rednecks demand some sex in return. She checks them out and then says, "All right, boys, I'll do it but I don't want to catch any diseases or get pregnant. You'll have to wear these condoms." She explains how they work and how they go on, and then she has sex with both of the rednecks. Afterwards, they get her car gassed up and she goes on her way back to the city. A year later, the two blonde rednecks are driving on the same stretch of road. "Hey Clem, you remember that city woman we had sex with around h'yar last year?" Clem grins and says, "Shore do, Zeke!" Zeke says, "Do you really care if she catches some disease?" "No, Zeke." "Do you care if she gets pregnant?" Clem thinks a bit and says, "Not a bit, Zeke!" Zeke says, "Me neither. Let's take these damn things off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 A man dies and goes to Heaven. He then wanders around, and suddenly finds himself in a room with a lot of clocks. When he looks more carefully, he sees that every clock has a country's name on it. There's Finland, Australia, China... and so on. The clocks have only one hand, that moves very slowly for most clocks. The man can hardly see them move; once in a while one of the clock hands move a bit forward. Some don't move at all. "Yo, God, what's up with these clocks" the man shouts. "Oh those ones" God answers. "Whenever the leader of a country says or thinks something stupid, the hand moves forward a bit" God continues. "Riight... But where's the clock of USA?" the man then asks. "Oh that. It's in the bathroom, as a cooling fan." [it was a joke, although a rather lousy one. Please don't get offended by it. ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 It was a joke, although a rather lousy one. Please don't get offended by it. Donny, have we got a nuke aimed at Finland? We do? OK, Gilded, you're FINNISHED!!! Hey, Uncle Dick, I made a funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cap'n Refsmmat Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 7) Ejector seat for a helicopter I hope you know that there is such a thing. (it does jettison the rotors first) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Hehe, nice one Phi. Especially when Tarja Halonen (aka president of Finland, who is sadly a woman, if someone didn't know) strongly criticized Bush's actions recently. Luckily, the Finnish can say whatever they want and nobody seems to notice. Ok, here's another one about ex-presidents and presidents, Bill Clinton and Putin this time: Vladimir Putin decided to visit Bill Clinton one day. Vlad was greatly impressed by Clinton's house, and even decided to send a letter to him afterwards: "Dear Bill, Your house was awesome! The food was delicious, your yard was really beautiful, it's hard to even describe all the marvellous things you got there! Even the brass toilet seat... Wow!" When Clinton read the letter, he went really mad and crushed the letter and shouted: Hey Hillary, I think I've figured out who crapped in my saxophone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Tarja Halonen (aka president of Finland, who is sadly a woman, if someone didn't know)Watch it, Gilded! Of all the different sexes, women are my favorite! George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. President, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'." Bush, being a nice guy, readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush walks up and says, "Hello, Steve." The little man says, "F**k off, George! Can't you see I'm busy?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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