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Hey, well someone deleted my one joke. Maybe they didn't get it and thought it wasn't a joke, since it's more like deadpan humor.


I began with: "I'm not exactly a comedian, maybe someone can help me.....Is compassionate conservatism a joke?"


Get it? I was hinting their "compassion" is a joke. Lol, eh? Maybe it was too offensive. :rolleyes: (but considering the number of political jokes in the thread...)

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Barack Obama’s inauguration will come with a hefty price tag, estimated at more than $170 million.


The actual swearing in ceremony cost $1.24 million, and the federal government gave $75 million to neighboring states Virginia and Maryland to help pay for their share of police, fire and medical services.


The remainder of the money will go to the thug who put Cheney in a wheelchair. :D






Today's inauguration was attended by more than a million people. Suprisingly, there were only a a few problems. Ten people got frostbite, five people fainted, and Dick Cheney ran over three lawyers.








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Since we've gone on a political theme for a few posts, let me see if I can make this one work as a non visually:


What does Obama mean when he says he wants to bring change for Americans?

Hand him a dollar and see what you get back.

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US Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's historic inauguration of incoming president Barack Obama. The good news is that he had to cancel his planned participation in the inaugural 21-gun salute.



"Phew!," said a few close friends who happened to be lawyers. :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

Stick with it, it gets better:



You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…



You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.



You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.



You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.



You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



You have two cows.

You worship them.



You have two cows.

Both are mad.



Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy…



You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons






PS.: Hope this isn't a repost :)

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I usually hate adding to jokes as I never can write them as well as the original but I'll take a stab at adding a few contemporary scenarios:





You buy ten times as many cows by buying old and often sickly cows

By always adding more cows, you ensure at any given time most cows will be alive

To be extra safe, you keep all the cows in one, unhygienic poorly ventilated warehouse



You take money for cows, and write checks back with the memo "Milk Profits"

Maybe it's from milk, maybe it's from new investors

No one is really paying attention



You specialize is milk from fat, overfeed grain guzzling cows

You fire your milkers and move all your cows to Mexico, and have the milk shipped back

Back home, you wonder why no one can afford milk



You sell pieces of paper that say COW on them.

Sometimes you buy back a few and sell back paper that says 3 COWS on them

Little words like "subprime" that also sometimes appear on the paper tends to get lost in these transactions

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  • 2 weeks later...

From tonight's Jay Leno:


In the news, Governor Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin, was interviewed by Fox News. She said "A year ago I never would have thought that I'd become a mom, or that my mom was going to be chosen to become a vice presidential candidate".


Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here's a few that could be fun - you know you're in a depression when:


* When hobos stand around empty barrels because they can't afford the lighter fluid.


* People hold out their iPhones and make fart noises with their mouths, because they can't afford the iFart Application.


* When "Who wants to be a Thousandaire" becomes the #1 hit TV show in America.


* When you have 6 degrees in the direction of your creditors and debtors all saying "I have it coming in, I'll pay you as soon as it does" (Sadly I think I may be here...)


* When your neighborhood starts marking the houses not for sale to save on signs (from Colbert or Stewart, forget which)


* When Jeff Foxworthy rebrands his entire routine as "You may be a Wall Street Fat Cat if..." jokes.


* When the only shares going up in the stock market are for that company that manufactures red ink.


* When your coin collection would be worth more melted down.


...add em if you got em.

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This is more of a great quote than it is political humor, but it warranted sharing.



"The vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-ass talk radio mind-corpse to become de facto leader... which is turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughing stock."


~Stephen Colbert referring to Rush Limbaugh

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SNL had a couple of great political sketches this past week that I thought worth mentioning.


This first one features Treasury Secretary Geithner setting aside $420 billion for... anyone who might know the answer to the economic crisis! The real fun begins when he starts taking calls, so wait for that.



This second one shows what happens when you make Barack Obama angry. He becomes... TheRock Obama!


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  • 2 weeks later...

From Jay Leno:


The first group of western tourists is spending spring break in Iraq this week. Apparently spring break in Iraq isn't much different from spring break in Florida -- half of the tourists got bombed, and the other half got stoned.

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Michelle Obama served lunch at a soup kitchen for the homeless near the White House on Thursday. Here's a picture from the event:




Question: If that guy is homeless, where does the cell phone company send his bills to? :D




(Yeah I know, could be prepaid. I just thought it was funny.)

Edited by Pangloss
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

A $50 Lesson


I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '


She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'


Her parents beamed.


'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'


She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '


I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'


Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

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Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.


As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"


George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"


Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Edited by john5746
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  • 2 weeks later...

Barack Obama got a regular cheesburger, extra well done, and he didn't get good old American ketchup, he got... mustard, and not just regular mustard... spicy mustard... DIJON MUSTARD.


And Hannity found out:






Apparently it isn't just Hannity playing up the Grey Poupon angle:




As a fan of spicy/dijon mustard, I'm not sure what the deal is, although I prefer store brand to Grey Poupon. Obama just wants a SPICY BURGER. Apparently to Fox News that's a cardinal sin.

Edited by bascule
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