[coquina]

Quote

It would seem to me that coquina, you need how do you amereekan call it, closure. As horrible as it may sound you need to move on.
How did your husband die if i may ask?
You obviously shouldnt forget about him completely or shut off that part of you at all, but it is important that you dont let somebody control your life. Many depressed people become lazy or shut off, but your tendancy to keep yourself active and to socialize yet still retain loneliness at home would seem that the problem is nothing except for the dread of coming home. I'd recomend seeing a pschiatrist just too sort things out. I dont know how you feel, but where i come form i know that there's alot of social stigma attached to seeing a pschiatrist, but if i understand correctly (i hope i do) its alot easier in amereeka.

An autopsy wasn't performed, he had a history of diabetes and hypertention - the death certificate said "sudden cardiac ischemia", meaning that his heart just stopped.

I am moving on, and no one is controling my life, least of all my dead husband. There is a limit to how far or how fast I can move, I am running a business by myself that we were running together. I am getting my act together, little by little. Things are far better now than they were in the beginning.

It's not as though I am continually depressed or suicidal or anything like that. The original poster asked about loneliness, and I just gave one example of something that can cause it.

I didn't do it for the purpose of having a "pity party" or for wanting people to feel sorry for me. The purpose of my post was to give people insight to what it is like to suddenly become a widow. After all - if you are in a marriage that does not end in divorce, you stand a 50/50 chance of being in my shoes, and the other alternative isn't so hot either.

[Vladimir]

Dont get me wrong i didnt mean to offend you; my earlier post was based solely on your past comments and not on your current life. If you feel that theres improvement then thats great. However psycological advice and help doesnt neccesarily require you to be suicidal or depressed, you can be perfectly fine, and they can still help, and drink plenty of fluids. They're both sound well rounded pieces of advice.

[coquina]

... and I do see a councilor once in a while, when things become overwhelming. I also participate in an online support group for the "involuntarily unspoused".

Thanks for the concern.

[Coral Rhedd]

I think grief, loneliness, and depression -- although they can occur at the same time are really separate things and probably require separate strategies.

Support groups such as Sandi describes are a really good way for people to deal with grief, especially when all the people involved are dealing with the same sort of loss.

My experience with depression was such that I have come to the conclusion that most people do not understand what major depression is. Lots of people think they have been depressed, and they have, but only people who have been diagnosed as clinically depressed can understand the debilitating impact of such a depresssion. In other words, most people cannot understand why the person with major depression cannot simply get out of bed and get on with their lives. Having been there, I am firmly convinced that major depression is a brain thing and that is why most psychiatrists use medication to treat it.

Not that medication always works.

[coquina]

Bereavement can bring about what is known as "situational depression". When someone dies suddenly, the bereaved are thrown into a state of shock, and are really numb. At about the time the "DGI's" * think you should "be over it", and "moving on", you are just coming out of your fog and realizing that this is for real, and he ain't ever coming back. Based on my own experience, and the experience of my support group, this usually occurs at about 6 months out. However, at 6 months, my mother died, and I was back in "Scarlett Mode" (I'll worry about that tomorrow.) When "tomorrow" came, 6 months after that, and a year after Butch died, it was a double whammey, and "situational depression" hit me like a ton of bricks. At that point, I did seek counciling and was put on meds.

However, I have a girl friend who has suffered from depression all her life. She had great parents, went to college and graduated with honors, married a successful man, who treats her very well. She has a lovely home, and no money worries, and yet she has battled depression all the time I have known her. We lived next door to each other for 25 years, we did lots of things together, but Chele's depression was always there. She has seen psychiatrists and takes anti-depressants, but she still has bouts of it. With her, I believe it is hereditary. Several people on her mother's side of the family have had it. Before I got to know her well, I thought she was a snob - she isn't.

It is really easy to make assumptions about other people, but you just can't know all their ins and outs. The only thing you can do is try to be non-judgmental and the best friend you can be.

* BTW - "DGI" stands for "Doesn't Get It". I was the Queen of the DGI's before Butch died, and didn't realize the effect that asinine comments have on the bereaved, such as, "At least you know he's in a better place." I don't know where the heck he is, but age 57 was far too young for him to go there. Or they will say, "God needed him more than you do." Yeah - I suppose he's up there machining new hinges for the Pearly Gates as we speak. The only thing the newly bereaved needs to hear is, "I'm so very sorry for your trouble", accompanied by a hug.

Will somebody please kick this soapbox out from under me?

[Hellbender]

Loneliness hmmm...

I personally value alone time but I never push people away (unless I don't like them). I like my friends, my girlfriend, family etc., but I am alone as I write this and feel fine. Being alone gives my brain time to think. I like to think most of my character and who I am today in formed from hours deep in solitary thought. Some people tend to push people away as a defense mechanism. The best way to avoid being eaten by a shark is to never swim in the ocean, so to speak.

[Glider]

Hellbender said:

I like my friends, my girlfriend, family etc., but I am alone as I write this and feel fine.

There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. You may be alone, but you have friends, a girlfriend, family etc., and you are aware of their existance and their relationship to you, even when you are not with them.
By definition, lonliness includes profound feelings of isolation; the awareness that one has no such relationships, even in company.

[reverse]

coquina said:

Bereavement can bring about what is known as "situational depression".

oh thats sad.

I'm sorry that you have to have those feelings.

With time things seem less grim.
that's one thing at least, you can be sure time will make it a little better.

endorphins also.
remember thre forest gump running part.
I thinks thats why.