[zachbarnett]

i wrote the following fantasy about the turing test and consciousness. i am seeking feedback for it. if you are interested, please read it:

http://www.scribd.co...24720/What-Am-I

[vordhosbn]

Whoa! This is very good!

Though, I anticipated the ending from the title, it's a very original story.

A bit of criticism - the beginning, where Zach is talked into going in the tank does not sound very convincing and realistic. Maybe you could expand a bit on that and on the whole "before the tank", human part.

Still, a very interesting read. It got me... thinking...

[zachbarnett]

vordhosbn, on 1 September 2010 - 09:07 AM, said:

Whoa! This is very good!

Though, I anticipated the ending from the title, it's a very original story.

A bit of criticism - the beginning, where Zach is talked into going in the tank does not sound very convincing and realistic. Maybe you could expand a bit on that and on the whole "before the tank", human part.

Still, a very interesting read. It got me... thinking...

thanks so much for reading my piece and sharing your reactions. i gratefully accept the criticism. i am still working on trying to make that beginning section more believable. the whole story began as a philosophy of mind paper... and it needs a lot of work still. if you have any other thoughts or suggestions, please share them with me. thank you.

also, i agree that the title gives away the ending to a very large extent. i wasn't sure what to do about that. here was my thinking: since part of my point is philosophical, part of me wants the reader asking that very question all along as they read the story, since i think it leads to a deeper understanding of the issues. but having that in the reader's mind all along does take away from the literary value of the 'surprise' ending. do you think i should change it? do you think it would have been more of a surprise if the title had been something more unassuming? what could such a title look like?

This post has been edited by zachbarnett: 2 September 2010 - 06:07 AM

[vordhosbn]

I think the reader will be ultimately enjoying more the uncertainty of his suspicions, if the title was not giving away the end.
Maybe something like "The Test". But "Who am I?" has the additional benefit of being a crucial phrase spoken by the main character towards the end. It's up to you.

If you have any other stories, it would be interesting to read them, so please share.

This post has been edited by vordhosbn: 2 September 2010 - 07:06 AM

[zachbarnett]

vordhosbn, on 2 September 2010 - 07:05 AM, said:

I think the reader will be ultimately enjoying more the uncertainty of his suspicions, if the title was not giving away the end.
Maybe something like "The Test". But "Who am I?" has the additional benefit of being a crucial phrase spoken by the main character towards the end. It's up to you.

If you have any other stories, it would be interesting to read them, so please share.

per your feedback, the new title is "A Senseless Conversation."

the revision can be seen here:

http://www.scribd.co...I#fullscreen:on

thanks again.

This post has been edited by zachbarnett: 2 September 2010 - 11:09 PM